The Final Farewell

My time in Saudi is over. I left three weeks ago and it seems like the last 18 months were a blurry, wild dream. Part of me is thrilled that I "survived", another part of me is sad and misses the people I left behind. I simply can't believe it's actually over.

The last two weeks in KSA were interesting. The first week I was diagnosed with pneumonia (not fun). This meant that during that week I didn't actually go to work for a full work day, and was unable to spend time with the people I would soon be leaving. Let me tell you, pneumonia is not fun. It's exhausting and suffocating (quite literally). For those of you who thought that it was an old people disease (and I count myself among these people), I can unequivocally state that this is untrue. What's more, I had no idea that it can evolve from a common cold so easily! Fortunately for me I have friends who forced me to go to the clinic to get tested (I am not a fan of the KAUST clinic, for reasons that should be quite obvious if you have read this blog). I was happily surprised that this time I actually saw a doctor who really knew what he was doing and was able to diagnose me quickly and prescribe the right medication the first time. Within two days of taking the anti-biotics, I could actually breathe. What a feeling.

The following week was a bit surreal. There was no one in my office because everyone was out for a conference. I spent the week getting signatures (leaving KAUST was almost as complicated as arriving to KAUST, and that is saying something). So many offices to visit, and signatures to get so that someone, somewhere would know to cancel my ID, email and login on the date of my departure.

My final weekend was filled with goodbyes. My friends had a farewell dinner for me with a camel cake. It was something else. I can't thank them enough. I also completed my Advanced PADI certification and went to the KAUST beach (for the last time :)).

When the day of my departure finally arrived it still didn't feel real. I had packed my house (with the help of the movers) and my luggage (with the help of my friends). All of my plates and pots (and even the iron) had been pillaged by another friend who had just moved to new place and needed "stuff". I looked around the apartment that had been my "home" for over a year, and knew that I no longer belonged there (not to say that I ever really did). My friends came over to help me wait for my taxi. We sat around the table, drank "juice" and laughed about the many misadventures we had all shared together. These are incredible people and I owe them my sanity. I know I would have made it in Saudi or at KAUST without them and I will never have the words to adequately thank them.

Finally at midnight, my taxi arrived. Everyone grabbed a bag (I have a lot of stuff) and we all headed downstairs. There were tears and smiles, but in the end I know my friends were both happy and sad to see me go. There were happy that I was "escaping" but sad in knowing that I would not be back to visit, I can't. As the car pulled away from the parking lot and we drove down the main drive to the gate, I was reminded of my first impressions of KAUST. The awe I felt. The nerves. But this time, I was not nervous or anxious. I was saying goodbye to a place I will never see again but that has changed me for good.

My final farewell to Saudi was 15 hours later, when my Saudi Air flight landed in JFK. As always happens on these flights, the abayas had come off and the head scarves had changed colors. I had also taken off my abaya. In fact, I left it on the plane. I didn't need it anymore.

This marks the end of "Salsa in Saudi." I will however be starting a new blog as soon as I arrive in Shanghai. The name is "Merengue in Mandarin" and the address is www.merengueinmandarin.blogspot.com New adventure, new stories to tell. Should be fun :)

Mi Locura

Creo que por fin entendí que para ser feliz en la vida es necesario vivir sin remordimiento. Si bien hay cosas que pasan que en el momento se piensa que hubiera sido mejor que no pasaran, pero sin esas “equivocaciones” no estaría donde estoy hoy. Y aunque me parece que en este año he pasado por mas momentos no tan buenos, me doy cuenta que gran parte de eso tiene que ver con donde estoy y la persona me que me convertido estando aquí.

Ha llegado la hora (por fin!) de decir adiós la persona malhumorada y cínica que me he vuelto. Yo se que no puedo echarle la culpa a nadie por mis acciones y que lo que me ha pasado lo cause yo y nadie más. También entiendo que hay decisiones que tomé porque no tenía otra opción. Entre una decisión mala y otra traté de tomar la menos mala, pero aunque no necesariamente fue culpa mía, sigue siendo mala decisión. Me deje llevar por sentimientos inútiles de tristeza y soledad. Me convencí que este momento iba a ser más largo de lo que fue, y que por alguna razón yo tenía que llenar ese momento cosas que a la hora de la verdad no importan. He aprendido muchísimo en este año y medio pero tristemente me parece que aunque soy un persona mucho más fuerte de lo que era, también soy una persona menos paciente.

Ahora que estoy diciendo adiós, tengo que reconocer que aunque no me arrepiento de lo que hice si lo tuviera que repetir no hubiera hecho lo mismo. No sé bien que o como cambiaría lo que hice pero me gustaría pensar que de tener la oportunidad hubiera tomar otras decisiones. Me hubiera dado cuenta que esto fue solo un abrir y cerrar de ojos y que yo tenía que pasar por algo así para saber bien que es lo que quiero, o mejor lo que no quiero. Espero que salir de aquí me permita volver a lo que era (pero no del todo). Quiero poder tomar de lo que aprendí y aplicárselo a la persona que era (y espero seguir siendo) cuando no estoy aquí. El año que viene traerá otros muchos momentos y decisiones difíciles y espero que esta locura haya sido temporal y que de ahora en adelante pueda ver mejor que los momentos son nuestros y que solo nosotros decidimos que hacer con ellos y como nos van a afectar.

Family

They say we can't choose our family and I believe this is only partly true. While we cannot choose the parents we are born to or the siblings we do or do not have, we do choose our extended family of friends. The definition of family is not as straightforward as many would have us believe. Family is more than blood, it is shared experiences, feelings and emotions that lead you to become who you ultimately are.

As I quickly wrap-up what has been a whirlwind experience in Saudi (I only have 10 days left!) I think back on the family I have here. Like all families, ours has grown, suffered loss, laughed, cried and ultimately supported each other through thick and thin. My KAUST family of friends has been an unending support group as we all try to waddle our way through our Saudi experience. We have all struggled at times, but were comforted in the knowledge that we were not alone. There are people that care, that look out for us and who will ensure our survival.

It is kind of funny to think of survival in a place like this, but I don't think the use of this particular word is an exaggeration. I was reading a study this week about happiness. It said (not surprisingly) that in order to be happy we should do things and spend time with people that make us happy. It went on to say that this is true in both our personal and professional lives. Our happiness plays a huge role in our overall health and well-being, in essence, it plays a major role in our survival. Which brings me back to my original point, if we are unable to be happy at work (which sadly is the case for many people here) then that is going to influence our ability to be happy overall. This is especially true when you live where you work and simply cannot disconnect yourself from that life. It is during these times that having a family helps most. They are the ones that remind you of all the other things you have to look forward to and be happy about. Surrounding yourself with people you want to spend time with makes even the most difficult times a little bit easier.

In previous posts I have discussed how there are friends who are only meant to be in your life for a specific amount of time. They are the ones who are going to help you through a specific situation or moment in time and will then go on their way. These "passing" friends, however, can still be considered part of your extended family. Just like the uncle you never see, they have still had an influence on you and cared enough (even if it was for a short while) to make a difference, to make you smile when all you wanted to do was cry, to hold your hand when you were scared and to help you through that moment (however long or short it may have been). Sadly, some of those friendships have bitter ends, and we choose to focus on the end rather than what made that friendship special to begin with. As I prepare to say goodbye to another round of friends, to my family, I also want to thank those people who were my friends at one point and are no longer. I choose to remember what made you special to me and not why (or how) it ended.

To my family, words cannot adequately express how much I want to thank each and everyone of you. While you may not all be friends with each other, every one of you has had a profound effect on me. As happens with all families, I know this goodbye is not forever. You are now a part of me and as a result your advice and encouragement will be with me always. Making friends has never been my strong suit, so the idea that I was lucky enough to have such an amazing group of people like you in my life is simply mind boggling. Goodbyes are never easy, so instead I will say "until we meet again," which I hope is very, very soon.

Closure

When saying goodbye, the hardest part is actually letting go. It's the finality of things that scares us (or me). I have trouble with closure. To me, there is always that horrible "what if?" What if I had decided to stay? What if I had said (or not said) something? What if things were working out differently than they actually are? The truth, however, is that most of these questions are selfish and all they focus on is how I feel, not how I make others feel.

I recently had some sense knocked into me by a very dear friend. He said that in order to find what you are looking for, you need to know what that is and be confident enough in yourself to put yourself out there. He asked me "Do you ever feel like you are running from something?" Always, I responded. "What?" I have no idea. And then it hit me, maybe it's not that I'm running from something, but rather running toward something.

"You need to find what you are passionate about and once you do build on what you lack confidence in. When you are confident, everything else will fall into place." Interesting concept. I think that in many ways I have been self-sabotaging myself. I close myself off to people and to situations because of my transient life style. I am afraid of letting people in, of getting hurt, of "taking the plunge." However, the last couple of days have taught me a valuable lesson. I don't want to be the short term plan for anyone, not even for myself. I have to start thinking long term, I need to start focusing on what really makes me happy and surrounding myself with people who can help me get there. My friend would argue that is best done in a country where I speak the language. I say, languages can be learned.

Living in Saudi has been a whirlwind experience. It has been filled with moments and memories that have changed me forever. I have had to be stronger than ever before and now know that I am capable of a lot more than I ever gave myself credit for. I am still the same shy person I've always been, but being here has taught me that being shy should not be used as an excuse for not living.

If closure is about being at peace with goodbye, then I say it's time to close this chapter of my life. I will no longer be the person who puts herself in the corner out of fear. Yes, that means I can get hurt (again) but that also means that I am more likely to experience more, to live more, to love more. The time has come to embrace who I am, what I want and fight to get there. Life is not easy, and I seem to keep putting myself in situations that only make it harder. But as I look back on my time, I don't regret it and I don't think I would change it for anything. Things here haven't always made sense. I have been frustrated, upset, depressed, and angry, but I've learned to cope with all of these emotions and have come out alive and well on the other side.

I am truly sorry that there are people that I hurt along the way. I know I am not an easy person to deal with. I have spent far too long focused on why I was unhappy, and not enough time really thinking about how to change that. I have brought people down with me, and that is a burden I will have to carry with me. I do sincerely believe and now understand that in the end, we are all looking for our own way of coping, of dealing with life and looking for that moment, experience, or person that gives us a reason to smile. We are all selfish in our way, we don't owe anyone anything and that is ok. We can only help people be happy if we are happy ourselves.

If there is anyone left who actually reads this, I wish you happiness. I hope you are living your life to the max and that you embrace every decision you make with the complete confidence that for better or worse, this is what you need to do for you. Life has a funny way of working out and for me, I needed to come to Saudi and lose myself in order to find myself. So I guess that is my closure. I now know that while my life does not resemble what I thought it would be, it has made me who I am and the time has come to fully accept and embrace who that is.

Big Changes

There comes a point in every story where things change. People surprise you. Situations work out differently that what you originally thought. Life moves faster than you expected. You put yourself out there and end up standing alone, wide-eyed and bewildered at what just happened. Somethings work, others don't. You laugh, you cry, you move on, you can't let go. Every change brings the promise of something new and means the end of something else.

Those that know me best can attest that I am not a patient person. Change is something I have great difficulty with, which is ironic considering that my life seems to be in a perpetual state of flux. While I know how to adapt, I'm just not a big fan of having to do so. Sometimes I wish I could go back to being a kid. At least then I could blame my parents for the moves and the changes, but now, I only have myself to blame. I am the one who makes the decisions to move, to say goodbye, uproot my life over and over again in the hopes of... I don't know.

Everyone can pinpoint moments in their lives where something changed and it altered the course of what they thought was going to happen next. We like to believe that things happen to us because it's easier not to take responsibility. The truth, however, is that every change in our lives happens because we put ourselves in situations that allow for that change to occur. While no one can foretell what comes next, we do like to plan and dream and attempt to prepare. But for all our preparation, there come that moment, or person that throws a wrench in our carefully laid out plans and soon you are on a path you never envisioned for yourself.

I have been doing a lot of thinking about the big changes that are taking place in my life and how those changes not only affect me but those around me. I know that my actions have hurt people, I know that I can seem insensitive and selfish and I am truly sorry about that. I wish I knew how to sit still, how to set up shop and put down roots, but it seems that no matter where I go, I keep looking for what comes next. Maybe I haven't found what I'm looking, or maybe I'm looking for something that doesn't exist. Either way, maybe the next big change will get me to where I need go.

Another Goodbye

Growing up as an ex-pat kid I learned that good-byes are never easy. I spent my entire life being very careful about who I got close to because I knew that it would not last. Like all things in my life, all of my friendships had a expiration date. Sooner or later my dad was going to come in the living room and tell the family we were moving, again.

Ex-pat life taught me a great deal of things. I know how to adapt (fairly quickly) to most situations. I know how to keep my head down when I need to and speak up when necessary. I know that sometimes people just don't know what they are talking about so it's your responsibility to be the best version of yourself you can be. This way, the next time they talk they will have a position experience to base it off of. I know that gesture can mean a million different things and that sometimes those gestures can be incredibly hurtful. Unfortunately, I also know to keep my distance to avoid getting hurt and to be hard, particularly on myself.

As I prepare to leave Saudi and embark on yet another ex-pat experience (I'm moving to Shanghai, China) I look back on the many good-byes I've had to say along the way and dread the good-byes that are yet forthcoming. I am reminded that good-byes hurt everyone and we all have our own way of dealing with that pain. Saying that you will live in the moment and not focus on the impending end, is easier said than done. Those of us who have never had a permanent home and know that life is uncertain, seem to live our lives waiting for that other shoe to drop. We know that nothing lasts and as a result close ourselves off before we even get a chance to truly experience anything. We worry about letting people in close because eventually we will hurt them (by leaving) and end up hurting ourselves in the process.

Even with all of this, I know that there are people you may say good-bye to but they stay with you forever. These people are rare to find but when you do, you know that you will carry a piece of them anywhere and everywhere you go next. You realize that good-bye really becomes more of a "until we meet again." I wish I could say that all of my friends fall in this category, but the sad truth is that some will linger a bit longer than others, but will eventually fade away. There are only very few people who really do stay with you for the rest of your life.

My life at KAUST has not been an easy one but that does not mean that saying good-bye is going to be any easier. I do believe that there are people here who belong to that special group of people that have changed me for the better, to whom I will be forever indebted to and that I will carry with me so that they can help guide me through whatever comes next.

Heartbreak

Why is it that when you need them the most, people seem to disappoint? Whether they be friends, lovers, family or co-workers it seems to me that when the chips are down we just feel totally abandoned by the people who are supposed to care about us most. The question however is how much of this abandonment is actually in our heads. It is possible that when we feel alone we make even the little things seem huge. Everything becomes a personal affront and if the people who love us don't understand, then clearly they must not love us that much.

But at what point did we start to place our happiness in the hands of others? What made that other person the end-all be-all of everything? And at what point did you decide to go along with this? Personally, I think my problem started with my parents. Don't get me wrong they were/are great parents, but my whole life has been centered around making them happy and proud of me. I feel like I have spent much of my nearly 30 years of life trying to ensure that they are pleased, many times in place of me. Sure, like all children I have reached out to my parents when I thought I needed them, but most of the time I just wanted to prove to my parents that all of their hard work had paid off. Somehow I convinced myself that the only way to be happy was knowing that my parents were also happy (about me).

I have always said that I am lucky to have parents that I can talk to. Parents who always have my best interest at heart, who want to see me succeed and who will help me when I need it. However, I have come to very real and very sad realization that sometimes parents can also let you down and actually make you feel worse, instead of making you feel better. Yes, they are human. And yes, they are allowed to make mistakes (I guess) but isn't it terribly disappointing when they do? We feel heartbroken when these heroes, these giants we have spent so much time looking up to become so completely ordinary. We do not love them any less, but perhaps it is in these moments when we start to realize that our happiness really should depend on us and not our parents (or anyone else for that matter).

Silver Lining

Yesterday, I was thinking about what makes a good person and was looking for quotes that talked about the difference between superficial beauty and inner beauty. I wanted to highlight that there are a lot of very "good looking" people who are actually quite hideous. I was unsuccessful in finding the appropriate quote and instead came across a quote by Victor Hugo "The supreme happiness in life is the conviction that we are loved — loved for ourselves, or rather, loved in spite of ourselves."

As soon as I read it, I smiled (and posted in on facebook). I realized that my unhappiness was mostly due to the fact that I was focusing on the wrong things. In truth, I have every reason to be happy. Yes, my life is far from ideal and there are numerous things that I'm working on changing. However, I am surrounded by amazing people who are there for me and with me everyday.

I am blessed to have some of the best friends a girl could hope for. These are people who have watched out for me when I sick, call me out when I'm being annoying and will laugh with me when things get weird. They are the people who listen and share. They are the ones that don't need to say much of anything, or can say everything with a simple gesture. I am blessed to have found such friends here in Saudi and in the US, in Colombia and around the world.

I also have the greatest family in the world. Let's be perfectly honest, my parents are awesome (those of you who have met them, can attest, those of you who haven't, are missing out). My sister is a daily reminder of how strong people can be. In short, I am one of those incredibly lucky people who really LOVE going home and spending time with these people. And, not only are they my family but they are also my best friends. They are first people I call when I need advice and the only ones that I listen to when they tell me I'm wrong (most of the time).

In short, if happiness is defined by the people that we surround ourselves with, then I have more than my fair share of reasons to be happy. I have people that love me despite the fact that I don't always make sense and can be moody, sarcastic, shy and forgetful. In short, I am loved in spite of myself, and I can't be thankful (or happy) enough.

Sick of Saudi

Well actually it's more like Sick IN Saudi. Both are correct but the latter better reflects my current situation.

Anyway, I have come down with the flu. This may not seem like a big deal, and ordinarily it wouldn't be, but I seem to keep getting sick. I am not going to claim to that person who NEVER gets sick, but I certainly wasn't the person who is ALWAYS getting sick. Now apparently, I am.

The problem with being sick here is twofold. First off, there are limited cold medicines you can take. This being the country of restrictions, the cough medicine is well, in my humble opinion, absolutely useless. I can go though an entire bottle of this supposed remedy and still cough up a lung. The second problem is that there is no where you can go and get a decent meal (a.k.a. no Whole Foods or Traders Joes from which to buy soup, the canned stuff just doesn't cut it). So here I am left to my own devices and as such resorting to mac and cheese and panadol.

I feel like I have gotten sick more often and for longer here than I ever had before. My dad thinks its psychological, others think it's environmental, I think they both might be right. I do believe that our state of mind does ultimately affect our physical well being, but living in a house that is constantly covered in dust and has serious mold issues can't be helping either.

Whatever the cause may be, my cold/fly induced psychosis has got me to thinking. We spend a lot of time thinking about how our lives could be different. The constant "what if?" that seems to drive our day to day existence. There are moments we look back on and want to change, other we want to relive and still others that we simply wish had never happened.

It's kind of odd, but sometimes I think that if some of the bad things that have happened to me hadn't happened, I would actually be worse off than I am now, which is certainly not how I felt when I was going through that. I wonder if this place, this moment, will also be one of those times. I mean I could probably sit here and list all the things I would change about my life here. I'm sure we all could. The grass always looks greener and all that jazz. But how many times do we actually sit down and think about how this hard moment, this particular difficulty is actually teaching you a valuable lesson?

And let's face it, it's the lessons that we don't necessarily want to learn that are the hardest to grasp, but once you actually do get a handle on that thing that seemed so obscure and far away, you wonder why it seems to difficult to begin with. The biggest obstacles to our own happiness is ourselves, so perhaps it's time to actually embrace ourselves for who we are, and accept that for better or worse we are exactly who we are supposed to be at this very moment.

Born to run.

Well not exactly. In fact for most of my life I've hated running. There was something about panting and sweating and being bored that really didn't appeal to me. At all. Then this year, I decided to try something different, and KAUST provided me with that something. They announced they would be having a Family 5K Run/Walk extravaganza. I figured this was my chance to finally fulfill a New Years Resolution. I would train to run a 5K, in three weeks.

So I made a plan, following the infinite wisdom I found on the internet, and proceeded to convince other would be runners to join me. I first asked my squash buddy. Yes, even after my accident I still took up squash and play with the same person. He took a little convincing so that he'd play with me again, but that is another story. Either way, we were walking out of the gym and I saw the sign up sheet for the 5K, turned to him and said "We should totally do this!" He said "ok."

As it turns out, he is a runner. He just didn't tell me this. So we start our training. The first day, we run for about 20 min. He looked like he was exhausted, I was ok. Wow, I thought, maybe this running thing isn't going to be that hard after all. Little did I know that the first run is the easiest.

The plan was to run every other night, so two nights after our first attempt, we went on a second run. My lungs burned, my legs ached and my stomach was not very happy, I wasn't even able to go as far as I had two nights ago. Uh oh, maybe training for a 5K in three weeks is not such a good idea, I thought. But there I was two nights later trying it again. This time I had two more runners with me. I must admit that there was a moment when I thought we all must look pretty funny because here was this one girl running with three guys. I felt like one of the ridiculous pop stars with her entourage/body guards running at her side. Run #3 was a success! I ran almost 4K.

The following runs were more advances and finally being able to run 5K in about 40 min. Now I should probably tell you that all this running was happening in the evening once it was much cooler out. Yes, incredibly it can get a cool 70 degrees here in Saudi, so we were taking advantage of the weather, paying little to no mind that the actual race would be at 10am.

The day of the race came much faster than we expected and by then we had basically split our little team into two. The ones who can run, and the ones you will jog (I was a part of the latter team). Those of us in the slower group set a goal to run/jog the 5K in less than 30 min. Amazingly, we did!

While I am not entirely sure I have bought into this whole running thing, I will attempt to continue doing it while the weather allows. Who knows, maybe by the time I leave Saudi I'll actually be one of those annoying people who wake up before work and go for a jog...

Hace un año

Today marks one year since I started working at KAUST. It's hard to believe that it has been a year (only a year!) since I first arrived in Saudi. It's been a year since I arrived alone in my Penn sweatshirt and was "rescued" by a good Samaritan expat. One year since the abaya shopping creepiness. One year since meeting the people who have become my family in Saudi.

A year ago today I arrived to this campus for the first time. I was full of hopeful expectation and was completely taken aback by what I saw. A campus that was not quite finished but still stunning. People from all over the world who had come to work on this experiment. I arrived to a cubicle and started by opening mail. How far I've come?

There have been ups and downs this year. Moments of complete chaos and moments of sheer joy. I've traveled more than ever before and have faced myself in ways I'd never done before. I've learned that I am stronger than I give myself credit for and that I have amazing friends. I've also discovered that there is more to life than a job that pays well and am now looking for more balance in my life.

While this may not have been the experience I thought it would be it has still been an experience that I will carry with me for the rest of my life and will probably influence everything I do from here on out. At a time when we think about New Years resolutions and what we want to do for next year I also think about what 2011 will bring and how to make the most of what is left of my time here. I will embrace what I can and learn to let go of what I can't.

I sit here in my office and listen to salsa and remember why I started this blog to begin with. I wanted to share this with those that I love. I wanted to feel connected to the people I left behind. I hope in some small way I have been able to do some of what I set out to do just one year ago and I hope you will continue to ride this crazy roller-coaster with me for as long (or short) as it turns out to be.

No More Melting into Oblivion

At what point "inner peace" and "total apathy" are actually the same thing? For weeks I had been desperately trying to stay afloat. I was so angry, sad, and frustrated at my inability to change anything meaningful in my life. Nothing was good, everything was bad and I was alone. I didn't have the life I had envisioned. I was in a job that made me unhappy, and unfortunately for me, couldn't really distance myself from it because I live where I work most of the people I know are just as unhappy. And let's be honest, discontent breeds more discontent. We had all become a sick, sad vicious cycle of perpetual venting and bad mouthing. Soon, discontent turns into sadness, and sadness turns into apathy which breeds... nothing.

In this new year I have decided to make a change. I have decided to face the tunnel and look for the light at the end of it with a smile. 2011 will bring good things, but in order for this to happen it has to start with me. No more feeling sorry about the life I don't have. Or the opportunities I didn't take. Or the job I don't particularly like. This year, I choose to focus on the positive aspects of my life. My wonderful friends. My amazing family. The strength I have developed in what can only be considered a "difficult" year. No more will I melt into oblivion. If this is what my life has handed me then I say, bring it on.

As many of you know, I'm pretty sure that these will be my last six months in KSA. As a result I think that the best use of my time is to take advantage of living here as much as I can. I mean it has been less than a year since I arrived and I have already paid off my two government loans! So, check that off the list. Coming here did that.

This year will be a year of great changes for a lot of people in my life. Some of my dearest friends are getting married, others are having babies, and other like me, are still trying to sort themselves out. In the end however, I think the big thing about the new year is the hope that it brings with it. We all look at the year that has just passed and the countless things that happened in it, the people we met and the decisions we made. We contemplate both the good and the bad and resolve to do better, or more, or different. I look forward to being a part of those big moments and having some of my own.

This year, I resolve to be a better version of me and to smile more often. I will look at everyday as a new adventure to be had and perhaps a new hill to climb. It's time to look at the positive and focus on what you do have control over. Surround yourself with people who are good for you and be brave enough to let go of those that are not.

Oblivion is a state of mind and I want out.