Closure

When saying goodbye, the hardest part is actually letting go. It's the finality of things that scares us (or me). I have trouble with closure. To me, there is always that horrible "what if?" What if I had decided to stay? What if I had said (or not said) something? What if things were working out differently than they actually are? The truth, however, is that most of these questions are selfish and all they focus on is how I feel, not how I make others feel.

I recently had some sense knocked into me by a very dear friend. He said that in order to find what you are looking for, you need to know what that is and be confident enough in yourself to put yourself out there. He asked me "Do you ever feel like you are running from something?" Always, I responded. "What?" I have no idea. And then it hit me, maybe it's not that I'm running from something, but rather running toward something.

"You need to find what you are passionate about and once you do build on what you lack confidence in. When you are confident, everything else will fall into place." Interesting concept. I think that in many ways I have been self-sabotaging myself. I close myself off to people and to situations because of my transient life style. I am afraid of letting people in, of getting hurt, of "taking the plunge." However, the last couple of days have taught me a valuable lesson. I don't want to be the short term plan for anyone, not even for myself. I have to start thinking long term, I need to start focusing on what really makes me happy and surrounding myself with people who can help me get there. My friend would argue that is best done in a country where I speak the language. I say, languages can be learned.

Living in Saudi has been a whirlwind experience. It has been filled with moments and memories that have changed me forever. I have had to be stronger than ever before and now know that I am capable of a lot more than I ever gave myself credit for. I am still the same shy person I've always been, but being here has taught me that being shy should not be used as an excuse for not living.

If closure is about being at peace with goodbye, then I say it's time to close this chapter of my life. I will no longer be the person who puts herself in the corner out of fear. Yes, that means I can get hurt (again) but that also means that I am more likely to experience more, to live more, to love more. The time has come to embrace who I am, what I want and fight to get there. Life is not easy, and I seem to keep putting myself in situations that only make it harder. But as I look back on my time, I don't regret it and I don't think I would change it for anything. Things here haven't always made sense. I have been frustrated, upset, depressed, and angry, but I've learned to cope with all of these emotions and have come out alive and well on the other side.

I am truly sorry that there are people that I hurt along the way. I know I am not an easy person to deal with. I have spent far too long focused on why I was unhappy, and not enough time really thinking about how to change that. I have brought people down with me, and that is a burden I will have to carry with me. I do sincerely believe and now understand that in the end, we are all looking for our own way of coping, of dealing with life and looking for that moment, experience, or person that gives us a reason to smile. We are all selfish in our way, we don't owe anyone anything and that is ok. We can only help people be happy if we are happy ourselves.

If there is anyone left who actually reads this, I wish you happiness. I hope you are living your life to the max and that you embrace every decision you make with the complete confidence that for better or worse, this is what you need to do for you. Life has a funny way of working out and for me, I needed to come to Saudi and lose myself in order to find myself. So I guess that is my closure. I now know that while my life does not resemble what I thought it would be, it has made me who I am and the time has come to fully accept and embrace who that is.

Big Changes

There comes a point in every story where things change. People surprise you. Situations work out differently that what you originally thought. Life moves faster than you expected. You put yourself out there and end up standing alone, wide-eyed and bewildered at what just happened. Somethings work, others don't. You laugh, you cry, you move on, you can't let go. Every change brings the promise of something new and means the end of something else.

Those that know me best can attest that I am not a patient person. Change is something I have great difficulty with, which is ironic considering that my life seems to be in a perpetual state of flux. While I know how to adapt, I'm just not a big fan of having to do so. Sometimes I wish I could go back to being a kid. At least then I could blame my parents for the moves and the changes, but now, I only have myself to blame. I am the one who makes the decisions to move, to say goodbye, uproot my life over and over again in the hopes of... I don't know.

Everyone can pinpoint moments in their lives where something changed and it altered the course of what they thought was going to happen next. We like to believe that things happen to us because it's easier not to take responsibility. The truth, however, is that every change in our lives happens because we put ourselves in situations that allow for that change to occur. While no one can foretell what comes next, we do like to plan and dream and attempt to prepare. But for all our preparation, there come that moment, or person that throws a wrench in our carefully laid out plans and soon you are on a path you never envisioned for yourself.

I have been doing a lot of thinking about the big changes that are taking place in my life and how those changes not only affect me but those around me. I know that my actions have hurt people, I know that I can seem insensitive and selfish and I am truly sorry about that. I wish I knew how to sit still, how to set up shop and put down roots, but it seems that no matter where I go, I keep looking for what comes next. Maybe I haven't found what I'm looking, or maybe I'm looking for something that doesn't exist. Either way, maybe the next big change will get me to where I need go.

Another Goodbye

Growing up as an ex-pat kid I learned that good-byes are never easy. I spent my entire life being very careful about who I got close to because I knew that it would not last. Like all things in my life, all of my friendships had a expiration date. Sooner or later my dad was going to come in the living room and tell the family we were moving, again.

Ex-pat life taught me a great deal of things. I know how to adapt (fairly quickly) to most situations. I know how to keep my head down when I need to and speak up when necessary. I know that sometimes people just don't know what they are talking about so it's your responsibility to be the best version of yourself you can be. This way, the next time they talk they will have a position experience to base it off of. I know that gesture can mean a million different things and that sometimes those gestures can be incredibly hurtful. Unfortunately, I also know to keep my distance to avoid getting hurt and to be hard, particularly on myself.

As I prepare to leave Saudi and embark on yet another ex-pat experience (I'm moving to Shanghai, China) I look back on the many good-byes I've had to say along the way and dread the good-byes that are yet forthcoming. I am reminded that good-byes hurt everyone and we all have our own way of dealing with that pain. Saying that you will live in the moment and not focus on the impending end, is easier said than done. Those of us who have never had a permanent home and know that life is uncertain, seem to live our lives waiting for that other shoe to drop. We know that nothing lasts and as a result close ourselves off before we even get a chance to truly experience anything. We worry about letting people in close because eventually we will hurt them (by leaving) and end up hurting ourselves in the process.

Even with all of this, I know that there are people you may say good-bye to but they stay with you forever. These people are rare to find but when you do, you know that you will carry a piece of them anywhere and everywhere you go next. You realize that good-bye really becomes more of a "until we meet again." I wish I could say that all of my friends fall in this category, but the sad truth is that some will linger a bit longer than others, but will eventually fade away. There are only very few people who really do stay with you for the rest of your life.

My life at KAUST has not been an easy one but that does not mean that saying good-bye is going to be any easier. I do believe that there are people here who belong to that special group of people that have changed me for the better, to whom I will be forever indebted to and that I will carry with me so that they can help guide me through whatever comes next.