Big Changes

There comes a point in every story where things change. People surprise you. Situations work out differently that what you originally thought. Life moves faster than you expected. You put yourself out there and end up standing alone, wide-eyed and bewildered at what just happened. Somethings work, others don't. You laugh, you cry, you move on, you can't let go. Every change brings the promise of something new and means the end of something else.

Those that know me best can attest that I am not a patient person. Change is something I have great difficulty with, which is ironic considering that my life seems to be in a perpetual state of flux. While I know how to adapt, I'm just not a big fan of having to do so. Sometimes I wish I could go back to being a kid. At least then I could blame my parents for the moves and the changes, but now, I only have myself to blame. I am the one who makes the decisions to move, to say goodbye, uproot my life over and over again in the hopes of... I don't know.

Everyone can pinpoint moments in their lives where something changed and it altered the course of what they thought was going to happen next. We like to believe that things happen to us because it's easier not to take responsibility. The truth, however, is that every change in our lives happens because we put ourselves in situations that allow for that change to occur. While no one can foretell what comes next, we do like to plan and dream and attempt to prepare. But for all our preparation, there come that moment, or person that throws a wrench in our carefully laid out plans and soon you are on a path you never envisioned for yourself.

I have been doing a lot of thinking about the big changes that are taking place in my life and how those changes not only affect me but those around me. I know that my actions have hurt people, I know that I can seem insensitive and selfish and I am truly sorry about that. I wish I knew how to sit still, how to set up shop and put down roots, but it seems that no matter where I go, I keep looking for what comes next. Maybe I haven't found what I'm looking, or maybe I'm looking for something that doesn't exist. Either way, maybe the next big change will get me to where I need go.