Closure

When saying goodbye, the hardest part is actually letting go. It's the finality of things that scares us (or me). I have trouble with closure. To me, there is always that horrible "what if?" What if I had decided to stay? What if I had said (or not said) something? What if things were working out differently than they actually are? The truth, however, is that most of these questions are selfish and all they focus on is how I feel, not how I make others feel.

I recently had some sense knocked into me by a very dear friend. He said that in order to find what you are looking for, you need to know what that is and be confident enough in yourself to put yourself out there. He asked me "Do you ever feel like you are running from something?" Always, I responded. "What?" I have no idea. And then it hit me, maybe it's not that I'm running from something, but rather running toward something.

"You need to find what you are passionate about and once you do build on what you lack confidence in. When you are confident, everything else will fall into place." Interesting concept. I think that in many ways I have been self-sabotaging myself. I close myself off to people and to situations because of my transient life style. I am afraid of letting people in, of getting hurt, of "taking the plunge." However, the last couple of days have taught me a valuable lesson. I don't want to be the short term plan for anyone, not even for myself. I have to start thinking long term, I need to start focusing on what really makes me happy and surrounding myself with people who can help me get there. My friend would argue that is best done in a country where I speak the language. I say, languages can be learned.

Living in Saudi has been a whirlwind experience. It has been filled with moments and memories that have changed me forever. I have had to be stronger than ever before and now know that I am capable of a lot more than I ever gave myself credit for. I am still the same shy person I've always been, but being here has taught me that being shy should not be used as an excuse for not living.

If closure is about being at peace with goodbye, then I say it's time to close this chapter of my life. I will no longer be the person who puts herself in the corner out of fear. Yes, that means I can get hurt (again) but that also means that I am more likely to experience more, to live more, to love more. The time has come to embrace who I am, what I want and fight to get there. Life is not easy, and I seem to keep putting myself in situations that only make it harder. But as I look back on my time, I don't regret it and I don't think I would change it for anything. Things here haven't always made sense. I have been frustrated, upset, depressed, and angry, but I've learned to cope with all of these emotions and have come out alive and well on the other side.

I am truly sorry that there are people that I hurt along the way. I know I am not an easy person to deal with. I have spent far too long focused on why I was unhappy, and not enough time really thinking about how to change that. I have brought people down with me, and that is a burden I will have to carry with me. I do sincerely believe and now understand that in the end, we are all looking for our own way of coping, of dealing with life and looking for that moment, experience, or person that gives us a reason to smile. We are all selfish in our way, we don't owe anyone anything and that is ok. We can only help people be happy if we are happy ourselves.

If there is anyone left who actually reads this, I wish you happiness. I hope you are living your life to the max and that you embrace every decision you make with the complete confidence that for better or worse, this is what you need to do for you. Life has a funny way of working out and for me, I needed to come to Saudi and lose myself in order to find myself. So I guess that is my closure. I now know that while my life does not resemble what I thought it would be, it has made me who I am and the time has come to fully accept and embrace who that is.