The Final Farewell

My time in Saudi is over. I left three weeks ago and it seems like the last 18 months were a blurry, wild dream. Part of me is thrilled that I "survived", another part of me is sad and misses the people I left behind. I simply can't believe it's actually over.

The last two weeks in KSA were interesting. The first week I was diagnosed with pneumonia (not fun). This meant that during that week I didn't actually go to work for a full work day, and was unable to spend time with the people I would soon be leaving. Let me tell you, pneumonia is not fun. It's exhausting and suffocating (quite literally). For those of you who thought that it was an old people disease (and I count myself among these people), I can unequivocally state that this is untrue. What's more, I had no idea that it can evolve from a common cold so easily! Fortunately for me I have friends who forced me to go to the clinic to get tested (I am not a fan of the KAUST clinic, for reasons that should be quite obvious if you have read this blog). I was happily surprised that this time I actually saw a doctor who really knew what he was doing and was able to diagnose me quickly and prescribe the right medication the first time. Within two days of taking the anti-biotics, I could actually breathe. What a feeling.

The following week was a bit surreal. There was no one in my office because everyone was out for a conference. I spent the week getting signatures (leaving KAUST was almost as complicated as arriving to KAUST, and that is saying something). So many offices to visit, and signatures to get so that someone, somewhere would know to cancel my ID, email and login on the date of my departure.

My final weekend was filled with goodbyes. My friends had a farewell dinner for me with a camel cake. It was something else. I can't thank them enough. I also completed my Advanced PADI certification and went to the KAUST beach (for the last time :)).

When the day of my departure finally arrived it still didn't feel real. I had packed my house (with the help of the movers) and my luggage (with the help of my friends). All of my plates and pots (and even the iron) had been pillaged by another friend who had just moved to new place and needed "stuff". I looked around the apartment that had been my "home" for over a year, and knew that I no longer belonged there (not to say that I ever really did). My friends came over to help me wait for my taxi. We sat around the table, drank "juice" and laughed about the many misadventures we had all shared together. These are incredible people and I owe them my sanity. I know I would have made it in Saudi or at KAUST without them and I will never have the words to adequately thank them.

Finally at midnight, my taxi arrived. Everyone grabbed a bag (I have a lot of stuff) and we all headed downstairs. There were tears and smiles, but in the end I know my friends were both happy and sad to see me go. There were happy that I was "escaping" but sad in knowing that I would not be back to visit, I can't. As the car pulled away from the parking lot and we drove down the main drive to the gate, I was reminded of my first impressions of KAUST. The awe I felt. The nerves. But this time, I was not nervous or anxious. I was saying goodbye to a place I will never see again but that has changed me for good.

My final farewell to Saudi was 15 hours later, when my Saudi Air flight landed in JFK. As always happens on these flights, the abayas had come off and the head scarves had changed colors. I had also taken off my abaya. In fact, I left it on the plane. I didn't need it anymore.

This marks the end of "Salsa in Saudi." I will however be starting a new blog as soon as I arrive in Shanghai. The name is "Merengue in Mandarin" and the address is www.merengueinmandarin.blogspot.com New adventure, new stories to tell. Should be fun :)

Mi Locura

Creo que por fin entendí que para ser feliz en la vida es necesario vivir sin remordimiento. Si bien hay cosas que pasan que en el momento se piensa que hubiera sido mejor que no pasaran, pero sin esas “equivocaciones” no estaría donde estoy hoy. Y aunque me parece que en este año he pasado por mas momentos no tan buenos, me doy cuenta que gran parte de eso tiene que ver con donde estoy y la persona me que me convertido estando aquí.

Ha llegado la hora (por fin!) de decir adiós la persona malhumorada y cínica que me he vuelto. Yo se que no puedo echarle la culpa a nadie por mis acciones y que lo que me ha pasado lo cause yo y nadie más. También entiendo que hay decisiones que tomé porque no tenía otra opción. Entre una decisión mala y otra traté de tomar la menos mala, pero aunque no necesariamente fue culpa mía, sigue siendo mala decisión. Me deje llevar por sentimientos inútiles de tristeza y soledad. Me convencí que este momento iba a ser más largo de lo que fue, y que por alguna razón yo tenía que llenar ese momento cosas que a la hora de la verdad no importan. He aprendido muchísimo en este año y medio pero tristemente me parece que aunque soy un persona mucho más fuerte de lo que era, también soy una persona menos paciente.

Ahora que estoy diciendo adiós, tengo que reconocer que aunque no me arrepiento de lo que hice si lo tuviera que repetir no hubiera hecho lo mismo. No sé bien que o como cambiaría lo que hice pero me gustaría pensar que de tener la oportunidad hubiera tomar otras decisiones. Me hubiera dado cuenta que esto fue solo un abrir y cerrar de ojos y que yo tenía que pasar por algo así para saber bien que es lo que quiero, o mejor lo que no quiero. Espero que salir de aquí me permita volver a lo que era (pero no del todo). Quiero poder tomar de lo que aprendí y aplicárselo a la persona que era (y espero seguir siendo) cuando no estoy aquí. El año que viene traerá otros muchos momentos y decisiones difíciles y espero que esta locura haya sido temporal y que de ahora en adelante pueda ver mejor que los momentos son nuestros y que solo nosotros decidimos que hacer con ellos y como nos van a afectar.

Family

They say we can't choose our family and I believe this is only partly true. While we cannot choose the parents we are born to or the siblings we do or do not have, we do choose our extended family of friends. The definition of family is not as straightforward as many would have us believe. Family is more than blood, it is shared experiences, feelings and emotions that lead you to become who you ultimately are.

As I quickly wrap-up what has been a whirlwind experience in Saudi (I only have 10 days left!) I think back on the family I have here. Like all families, ours has grown, suffered loss, laughed, cried and ultimately supported each other through thick and thin. My KAUST family of friends has been an unending support group as we all try to waddle our way through our Saudi experience. We have all struggled at times, but were comforted in the knowledge that we were not alone. There are people that care, that look out for us and who will ensure our survival.

It is kind of funny to think of survival in a place like this, but I don't think the use of this particular word is an exaggeration. I was reading a study this week about happiness. It said (not surprisingly) that in order to be happy we should do things and spend time with people that make us happy. It went on to say that this is true in both our personal and professional lives. Our happiness plays a huge role in our overall health and well-being, in essence, it plays a major role in our survival. Which brings me back to my original point, if we are unable to be happy at work (which sadly is the case for many people here) then that is going to influence our ability to be happy overall. This is especially true when you live where you work and simply cannot disconnect yourself from that life. It is during these times that having a family helps most. They are the ones that remind you of all the other things you have to look forward to and be happy about. Surrounding yourself with people you want to spend time with makes even the most difficult times a little bit easier.

In previous posts I have discussed how there are friends who are only meant to be in your life for a specific amount of time. They are the ones who are going to help you through a specific situation or moment in time and will then go on their way. These "passing" friends, however, can still be considered part of your extended family. Just like the uncle you never see, they have still had an influence on you and cared enough (even if it was for a short while) to make a difference, to make you smile when all you wanted to do was cry, to hold your hand when you were scared and to help you through that moment (however long or short it may have been). Sadly, some of those friendships have bitter ends, and we choose to focus on the end rather than what made that friendship special to begin with. As I prepare to say goodbye to another round of friends, to my family, I also want to thank those people who were my friends at one point and are no longer. I choose to remember what made you special to me and not why (or how) it ended.

To my family, words cannot adequately express how much I want to thank each and everyone of you. While you may not all be friends with each other, every one of you has had a profound effect on me. As happens with all families, I know this goodbye is not forever. You are now a part of me and as a result your advice and encouragement will be with me always. Making friends has never been my strong suit, so the idea that I was lucky enough to have such an amazing group of people like you in my life is simply mind boggling. Goodbyes are never easy, so instead I will say "until we meet again," which I hope is very, very soon.

Closure

When saying goodbye, the hardest part is actually letting go. It's the finality of things that scares us (or me). I have trouble with closure. To me, there is always that horrible "what if?" What if I had decided to stay? What if I had said (or not said) something? What if things were working out differently than they actually are? The truth, however, is that most of these questions are selfish and all they focus on is how I feel, not how I make others feel.

I recently had some sense knocked into me by a very dear friend. He said that in order to find what you are looking for, you need to know what that is and be confident enough in yourself to put yourself out there. He asked me "Do you ever feel like you are running from something?" Always, I responded. "What?" I have no idea. And then it hit me, maybe it's not that I'm running from something, but rather running toward something.

"You need to find what you are passionate about and once you do build on what you lack confidence in. When you are confident, everything else will fall into place." Interesting concept. I think that in many ways I have been self-sabotaging myself. I close myself off to people and to situations because of my transient life style. I am afraid of letting people in, of getting hurt, of "taking the plunge." However, the last couple of days have taught me a valuable lesson. I don't want to be the short term plan for anyone, not even for myself. I have to start thinking long term, I need to start focusing on what really makes me happy and surrounding myself with people who can help me get there. My friend would argue that is best done in a country where I speak the language. I say, languages can be learned.

Living in Saudi has been a whirlwind experience. It has been filled with moments and memories that have changed me forever. I have had to be stronger than ever before and now know that I am capable of a lot more than I ever gave myself credit for. I am still the same shy person I've always been, but being here has taught me that being shy should not be used as an excuse for not living.

If closure is about being at peace with goodbye, then I say it's time to close this chapter of my life. I will no longer be the person who puts herself in the corner out of fear. Yes, that means I can get hurt (again) but that also means that I am more likely to experience more, to live more, to love more. The time has come to embrace who I am, what I want and fight to get there. Life is not easy, and I seem to keep putting myself in situations that only make it harder. But as I look back on my time, I don't regret it and I don't think I would change it for anything. Things here haven't always made sense. I have been frustrated, upset, depressed, and angry, but I've learned to cope with all of these emotions and have come out alive and well on the other side.

I am truly sorry that there are people that I hurt along the way. I know I am not an easy person to deal with. I have spent far too long focused on why I was unhappy, and not enough time really thinking about how to change that. I have brought people down with me, and that is a burden I will have to carry with me. I do sincerely believe and now understand that in the end, we are all looking for our own way of coping, of dealing with life and looking for that moment, experience, or person that gives us a reason to smile. We are all selfish in our way, we don't owe anyone anything and that is ok. We can only help people be happy if we are happy ourselves.

If there is anyone left who actually reads this, I wish you happiness. I hope you are living your life to the max and that you embrace every decision you make with the complete confidence that for better or worse, this is what you need to do for you. Life has a funny way of working out and for me, I needed to come to Saudi and lose myself in order to find myself. So I guess that is my closure. I now know that while my life does not resemble what I thought it would be, it has made me who I am and the time has come to fully accept and embrace who that is.

Big Changes

There comes a point in every story where things change. People surprise you. Situations work out differently that what you originally thought. Life moves faster than you expected. You put yourself out there and end up standing alone, wide-eyed and bewildered at what just happened. Somethings work, others don't. You laugh, you cry, you move on, you can't let go. Every change brings the promise of something new and means the end of something else.

Those that know me best can attest that I am not a patient person. Change is something I have great difficulty with, which is ironic considering that my life seems to be in a perpetual state of flux. While I know how to adapt, I'm just not a big fan of having to do so. Sometimes I wish I could go back to being a kid. At least then I could blame my parents for the moves and the changes, but now, I only have myself to blame. I am the one who makes the decisions to move, to say goodbye, uproot my life over and over again in the hopes of... I don't know.

Everyone can pinpoint moments in their lives where something changed and it altered the course of what they thought was going to happen next. We like to believe that things happen to us because it's easier not to take responsibility. The truth, however, is that every change in our lives happens because we put ourselves in situations that allow for that change to occur. While no one can foretell what comes next, we do like to plan and dream and attempt to prepare. But for all our preparation, there come that moment, or person that throws a wrench in our carefully laid out plans and soon you are on a path you never envisioned for yourself.

I have been doing a lot of thinking about the big changes that are taking place in my life and how those changes not only affect me but those around me. I know that my actions have hurt people, I know that I can seem insensitive and selfish and I am truly sorry about that. I wish I knew how to sit still, how to set up shop and put down roots, but it seems that no matter where I go, I keep looking for what comes next. Maybe I haven't found what I'm looking, or maybe I'm looking for something that doesn't exist. Either way, maybe the next big change will get me to where I need go.

Another Goodbye

Growing up as an ex-pat kid I learned that good-byes are never easy. I spent my entire life being very careful about who I got close to because I knew that it would not last. Like all things in my life, all of my friendships had a expiration date. Sooner or later my dad was going to come in the living room and tell the family we were moving, again.

Ex-pat life taught me a great deal of things. I know how to adapt (fairly quickly) to most situations. I know how to keep my head down when I need to and speak up when necessary. I know that sometimes people just don't know what they are talking about so it's your responsibility to be the best version of yourself you can be. This way, the next time they talk they will have a position experience to base it off of. I know that gesture can mean a million different things and that sometimes those gestures can be incredibly hurtful. Unfortunately, I also know to keep my distance to avoid getting hurt and to be hard, particularly on myself.

As I prepare to leave Saudi and embark on yet another ex-pat experience (I'm moving to Shanghai, China) I look back on the many good-byes I've had to say along the way and dread the good-byes that are yet forthcoming. I am reminded that good-byes hurt everyone and we all have our own way of dealing with that pain. Saying that you will live in the moment and not focus on the impending end, is easier said than done. Those of us who have never had a permanent home and know that life is uncertain, seem to live our lives waiting for that other shoe to drop. We know that nothing lasts and as a result close ourselves off before we even get a chance to truly experience anything. We worry about letting people in close because eventually we will hurt them (by leaving) and end up hurting ourselves in the process.

Even with all of this, I know that there are people you may say good-bye to but they stay with you forever. These people are rare to find but when you do, you know that you will carry a piece of them anywhere and everywhere you go next. You realize that good-bye really becomes more of a "until we meet again." I wish I could say that all of my friends fall in this category, but the sad truth is that some will linger a bit longer than others, but will eventually fade away. There are only very few people who really do stay with you for the rest of your life.

My life at KAUST has not been an easy one but that does not mean that saying good-bye is going to be any easier. I do believe that there are people here who belong to that special group of people that have changed me for the better, to whom I will be forever indebted to and that I will carry with me so that they can help guide me through whatever comes next.

Heartbreak

Why is it that when you need them the most, people seem to disappoint? Whether they be friends, lovers, family or co-workers it seems to me that when the chips are down we just feel totally abandoned by the people who are supposed to care about us most. The question however is how much of this abandonment is actually in our heads. It is possible that when we feel alone we make even the little things seem huge. Everything becomes a personal affront and if the people who love us don't understand, then clearly they must not love us that much.

But at what point did we start to place our happiness in the hands of others? What made that other person the end-all be-all of everything? And at what point did you decide to go along with this? Personally, I think my problem started with my parents. Don't get me wrong they were/are great parents, but my whole life has been centered around making them happy and proud of me. I feel like I have spent much of my nearly 30 years of life trying to ensure that they are pleased, many times in place of me. Sure, like all children I have reached out to my parents when I thought I needed them, but most of the time I just wanted to prove to my parents that all of their hard work had paid off. Somehow I convinced myself that the only way to be happy was knowing that my parents were also happy (about me).

I have always said that I am lucky to have parents that I can talk to. Parents who always have my best interest at heart, who want to see me succeed and who will help me when I need it. However, I have come to very real and very sad realization that sometimes parents can also let you down and actually make you feel worse, instead of making you feel better. Yes, they are human. And yes, they are allowed to make mistakes (I guess) but isn't it terribly disappointing when they do? We feel heartbroken when these heroes, these giants we have spent so much time looking up to become so completely ordinary. We do not love them any less, but perhaps it is in these moments when we start to realize that our happiness really should depend on us and not our parents (or anyone else for that matter).